kept thinking about figuring out that thing i can't remember how it goes about how cold is only the absence of heat and about cold air coming through or leaving from an open window and how it's not cold air or something. still haven't figured it out, anyway summer in the city is as fun as it's always been. i haven't felt well the entire month i don't know if it's because i'm trying to take care of myself or i'm chronically unhealthy (as usual?) or if i want someone else to accomplish the former. made constant sincere attempts to make my schedule and activities more sanity-inducing but never got very far. there was a man in the subway yelling and rattling for spare change with a sign that read "excuse me, i'm deaf" but i misread it as "excuse me, i'm dead".
few hours into the month found something to feel scared about - haven't felt scared for a long time before then. thought of leaving- tried to find the restart button but couldn't. became obsessed with painting- just lines and color on white. falling back into being creepily drawn to the color blue and can feel why if i think about my evolving emotional state haha. i spent a lot of time alone in the late afternoons going to museums and all the spring activities in new york city. i quit my day job. very often i would still be trying to fall asleep and watching the light change through my window when my alarm would go off in the morning, i can't figure out what to do about that. went away to suburbs in virginia for a while and made sure to accomplish nothing. have been falling way way more in love with art but not with my own. wrote in my notes "you're drawing lines all over a blank piece of paper and thinking that you're connecting dots".