diary (june)

June was very nice, everything's working out just fine and I know I work for it to but I feel so lucky. Spent the first bit in Portland doing nothing much- even now it feels so far away. Went on a road trip to a clear and cold lake and to an abandoned town in the middle of nowhere midwest with my best friends. Camped in an unprepared way, stayed in a weird motel for a little, drove all night and for too long at once. The air smelled so nice at one point almost to the lake, the sunset light the night we arrived at the ghost town was something i had never seen light do before, don’t know how to explain it, got caught in a hail storm so bad i was sure the car windows would break. Packed everything I owned back up, moved home to New York City on a red eye flight with my boy, across the country again for the second time. My new room has big windows that face a lot of trees and I hear birds and the light comes in bright and hot in the morning. Walk in my neighborhood towards the sprinklers hanging under the fluorescents of a gas station that look like fly tape, walk down the streets I know so well in nolita again and feel comfortable. Parked Fire trucks' flashing lights illuminate people’s dinners sitting outside in alphabet city, there's a big cloud of smoke with the moon in the background in the sky beside, the temporary wall in front of the smoke source (a vacant plot) is spray painted with an arrow pointed up "not smoke or fire, only steam”. Feel exhausted again every day and excited most of the time. There are so many things happening to look at and every night I hear sirens, sometimes I hear them stop while they’re still loud.

diary (may)

the horizons in oregon are rolling hills covered in pine trees way in the distance, white mountains, rows of houses tucked behind the buildings and construction cranes in the city, layers of bridges crossing the river. one morning i walked a mile through a sort of familiar neighborhood i felt so sad because of attachment i wanted to go back the whole time i was walking it was really stupid. i feel that sort of attachment all the time when i am alone. cut pills into fourths and lay rows of vitamins out. go shopping for food and don’t have to worry about money for the first time in my life, keep playing housewife but without noticing it anymore. i have circling thoughts about walking home alone late at night when i go back to my real life- very disconcerting that i think about those things with so much fear now. listen to people in their yards all get louder in the evenings as the days go by and the cut grass smells very sweet when it gets hot and sunny.