i don't have as much trouble falling asleep but i stay asleep for too long. come home in the middle of the night alone and feel completely different now- not ready to be a real person and feel real it's overwhelming i don't know where to place worry or things to care about. continue to ignore what i'm passionate about, but i still notice things, a broken window in a boxing studio above the prada store on broadway and prince, read that one train line was flooded with 27 million gallons of water two winters ago, do the chalked math written on platform columns- 166+40, 166+30, 166+25, a ballon crawling up the underlit outer wall of a church, a girl throwing a new bouquet of flowers in the garbage on a street corner at dawn when we are the only two there, a man stealing a bike being pushed off of it and his screaming face covered in blood. feel heavy hearted when i'm with people, feel heavy hearted when i'm alone. I'm reminded less of being removed when i'm the latter so i choose that more often. modeled for a painter that's lived in the chelsea hotel for forty years, smiled when i talked to my family sitting on my windowsill over the phone and they said they missed my voice, exchanged gifts with my roommates and friends and felt very warm about everything, felt nice to come home and talk to my boy, nice to watch my cafe become a balloon forest and run outside when i saw flurries in the afternoon the last few days of the month.
I lost all of the things that I wrote this month which is fine because I guess I didn't take any photographs really either. Was mostly busy with real life and sad things rather than making things though I wish they were more connected maybe I'd rather keep the real world out of it for a while. The last time I remember crying myself to sleep was over a decade ago when I first tried to wrap my head around death, and this time I guess it was the opposite and the same thing at once. I had missed my home. There were so many ambulances this month passing with their sirens on. Anyway, here are two pics.
I went to eleven states this month. Stayed in a cabin at the base of mount rainier in Washington, had cold fingers and kept my camera in a plastic bag because of the rain. Spent a week in Portland falling asleep in the yard in the afternoon and feeling nice the days melted. I got used to really caring about another person. Drove through the desert most daylight hours for days- woke up in a tent each morning not sure what it would look like outside- a river, a canyon, a valley, a dusty expanse, a beach, a meadow, a forest. Spent time in Utah looking at religious stuff and saw snow for the first time this year and where the horizon looked like it did when i was a kid. Colorado and Arizona were quiet we hiked in the rocks and ruins under the sun, Nevada i got very drunk in Vegas and played in the expensive surroundings. California every day was different and went by very quickly. Swam in the ocean every day and slept on friends' floors and hung out with someone new everyday. Went to every national park and abandoned site along the way it's always something I take for granted that my friends are almost all photographers and that the main purpose of an activity usually is and can be a place looking pretty and just wandering around looking. Drove to the airport before sunrise crying while it was pouring rain and then again the next morning.