I wake up early (for me) most days and dusk takes forever to get to. I don’t ever feel like going out during the day or night, sometimes I feel so underwhelmed that I feel overwhelmed but I hardly notice it. I work in a big blue house with flowers along the door and hanging down from the porch cover, walk 2 miles to drink a tall beer in the afternoon and watch the plants change day to day in the yards on the way. I miss taking intrusive street shots of strangers and drunk friends and pretty styled models I’m not sure if I like what’s left if it’s all that i’m making and not having the drive to do more. My work room is filling with more mirrors and window frames which make me feel nice and my flash has been out of batteries all month. I watch the kids on my street shoot a soccer ball at a basketball stand without a net or hoop and say hi back to the little girls with pretty beaded hair playing along the fences. I don’t feel lonely like I used to but I miss a lot.
Last month I lost all of the photos that I took and didn't feel close enough to anyone at the time to really want to photograph them or something or anything, February is always a bad month anyway. I read the temperature of my room displayed on my space heater 42, 44, 49 and watched the clear pools of gel on my mirror shift and frost over. Held my hand under lamplight and waited to see the blood from another cut bead up and run, thought about watching my pupils dilate in a mirror as my neck was touched. This month I moved to Oregon on the other side of the country for a while. Shifted back to all of my belongings being full suitcases, traded icicles for blooming trees. Listened to rain tapping my plastic hood and frogs in the quarry next to the house at night. I lay in bed with nothing much to do and look at the distilled water jar my boy keeps on the windowsill for the plants the linoleum floor and motes. I feel very calm and empty-minded which is nice for now. Every beautiful place I went to I enjoyed very much but it was kinda like that quote 'he was pointing at the moon but i was looking at his hand', haha. Falling asleep isn't a game anymore and the morning is all red light.
Didn't see daylight very much this month, kept to myself and tried not to be so worn out and down. Started crying for some reason as the man operating the train leans his head out as I'm standing outside the closed door and says four minutes. Waited patiently for it to be too cold to take walks and the sidewalk corners to become slush against the curbs. My boy visited for a little while and I felt very nice. I'm used to leaving not being left the jump and sink reminded me of how flatline I am but I soon returned to it. Kept having fever dreams where i'm telling people in my life inconsequential things etc and I have trouble figuring out if they actually happened. I don't remember but I feel alright.