natalie kucken

diary 16 (october 13)



i mostly ignored the things i had to do this month, i keep ignoring people and places and thinking and the changes that happen or something. i talk to dozens or hundreds of people most days, it’s questions or me telling them numbers. i take three olives out of my fourteen dollar salad four days a week. things have become very calculated i have to be here at this time, this is the time i will be home, this is when i will be finished with my photo work, pay this on this date take this out of this pocket put this key in this lock say this thing to this friend so they’ll keep talking to me about what should i even talk about i don’t feel like talking. i shot in the suburbs and i made a studio in my cave of a living room. i made my shoelaces bright blue ribbon so i could keep track of just how fast and far i am running. this city has kind of fallen flat for me now that everything is perfectly in its place i’ve found a place for every moving part in my life and now that it’s all organized i have trouble noticing how pretty the light hits at a certain time and i always choose the quickest way from point a to b. have fallen asleep before 4 am maybe once or twice. got attached to the cotton hanging from my ceiling and the ballon that i wrote the lyrics to creep on and my blue sunlight lamp. my lungs are filled with eggs minus the shells. i went out or stayed in with people that i care about very often but i don’t remember or feel anything about those outings other than just knowing that they happened. i’ve been keeping tabs on certain interactions and thinking about them often, it’s funny how you forget tiny little infatuations can happen after not having any new ones for so long. anyway i only really want to curl up under my blankets with all of the lights off and the morning light and think very slowly about things that don’t matter.