natalie kucken

diary 8 (february 13)

february doesn’t have very many days in it and i didn’t take very many photographs.. i don’t understand the passing of time i guess i lost track. the beginning of the month i spent being sad about being mean. i was also looking for a new home a lot of the time and got to look into apartments/lives and met so many beautiful interesting people that i would’ve never gotten to know without the magic of craiglist. i was obsessed with going to art gallery openings and laying in bed after i woke up replaying my dreams for hours. too many nights i can’t remember how i got home. i do remember vividly some things though: sitting on the subway after a shoot flipping through polaroids and falling in love with photography more than ever, one night hanging out with people and not being able to help curling up on the hardwood floor, swallowing 400% of my vitamin c recommendation daily, walking through the city being very aware of the people around me for a few days, staring blankly at nothing in cafes for the majority of the day, passing the house where ‘a tree grows in brooklyn’ was written, running through my neighborhood after the snowstorm, going to the upper west side to find one specific book and how pretty the fog and the puddles on the ground were, walking down the boardwalk of coney island alone in the sun, playing board games on my bedroom floor with the window open, a blue-haired boy threatening to me that he’d commit suicide, writing ‘no no no no no no no no no’ (lyrics, haha) in blue sharpie on the subway floor, packing up everything i own into neat little white bags. most days i felt like i was seeing how much i could consistently surround myself with friends. everyone is much too nice to me for how i act. i kept thinking and rethinking the possibilities of my actions and opportunities in relation to every aspect of my life, which i’ve never really done before, it’s very time consuming and much too practical. i’m going to miss being able to see the manhattan skyline from my bedroom window and holding on to an idea that was never mine. i think i said “everything is happening right now at once” every day.