everything is going (too) well, everything's in its place, nothing's going wrong and it feels all wrong and awful that nothing is wrong or awful. have had the feeling of needing to ruin something soon, "watch the world burn". to the small-talk question "what have you been doing/up to?" my answer's been "sleeping" because that's all i can think of. one to two days per week have been criplingly sleepy/lonely i forgot that that was my constant for a few months a couple of years ago and for longer spells in-between then and now, but now it's an almost scheduled lil fleeting paralysis. i've been attracted to red and have been drawing in a little notebook all the time because i'm afraid to let my mind wander. collected four big white-framed window panes, the blooming flowers off the trees from the sidewalk, spent three stops alone on an empty subway car with a person in a ski mask in the middle of the night, thought about my constructed world. spent premeditated days with my heart beating too fast for hours and listened very closely with my jaw clenched.