natalie kucken

diary 17 (november 13)

I remember this november, maybe one day I’ll find a way more and more to stop forgetting (or will stop finding a way to forget). I had three shoots that had to do with music, I’m not sure about that or how it happened and I’m not sure if it’s where I want to go with my work but it’s what I’m working on. When I woke up early in the morning on the 12th it was snowing, the colors of the graffiti in my neighborhood look nice and bright against snow, I never noticed last year because I had my eyes closed. I’ve never been conscious of being cut out of a life but I finally know it, it feels like a square and there’s a neat dashed line running from the top right to the bottom left corner of it. The cold seeped into the subway stations for a few days, but then left again and was replaced by little puddles in the yellow lines. Hope the cold makes it to my bed soon so that I feel less comfortable in doing nothing at all. This month I found lines, one under each eye, permanent wrinkles that weren’t there before. I brushed my teeth twice before making it to sleep too many times. I heard someone say “your mood ring is broken” to someone else and I obsessed about it for three days. I realized that there are four staircases in my apartment. Spent  every free day I had in a cafe that has a nice empty courtyard and a long entrance. I watched a boy wiping a girl’s crying eyes on the sidewalk for too long and had to force myself to begin walking again, found a single child’s shoe strapped to a parked bike’s handlebars and had to force myself not to take it. One morning with very grey light I was walking and listened to a line of lyrics and everything was very clear like the grey light all of a sudden “god makes problems just to see what you can stand before you do as the devil pleases: give up the thing you love”